victorthegrizzlybear

I am not sure if I will survive this night after writing this, as it’s very likely that couple rough-mannered agents might show up with rubber gloves and sledgehammers and snatch me and my wife in the dead of the night, seal our heads in airtight trash bags and stow us in the car trunk without license plate, with the final destination either at the bottom of a very deep lake or somewhere in the Ocala National Forest woods where it has been historically the number one favorite location to store dead bodies.

But let it be known, and be the First Amendment be my guardian angel, that Orange County Utility FRIGGING SUCKS BIG TIME!!

It all happened as I was trying to send my boring Saturday morning reading Peter Hessler’s Oracle Bone, only to be interrupted by Cindy’s scream, which led me to discover there is literally a tumultuous river flowing along was was once the pedestrian walkway 5 feet from my house.

Since an river is not exactly a geographical feature one normally should expect outside his suburban house, I instinctively called the KB HOME emergency repair service.  After minutes proffering useless advice such as making sure our water main is turned off, and double checking that I am simply not hallucinating, they finally called a plumber who is one hour away.

In the mean time I called the Orange County Utility emergency hot line, hoping that the water service company would have something to say when it comes to, say, a water emergency.

A voice with as much surliness and disdain as one would a dead headless cockroach one’s carpet came from our friendly Orange County Utility Company:

“Was the water leak inside or outside the house”?

“outside the house, it’s flooding the street and front yards of three buildings”

“well if it’s flooding your front yard, then it’s the home owner’s responsibility”

“urrr… it’s not my front yard, I live in a town home, the county should own the pedestrian walkway? right?”

“sir we can’t do anything until we decide if it’s the county’s fault or the home owner’s fault, you gonna have to call a professional”

“but I thought you guys ARE the professional, besides you guys are only 10 minutes away, can’t you just send some one here?”

No was the reply, hour later, the plumber came, and decide it was the water stop before the pipe that branches off into our house is broken, and the water stop belongs to the county.

Calling Orange County Utility, got the plumber on the phone, confirmed that it’s the county who needs to take a look at it.  Was told somebody will call me shortly.  It’s about 2:00 p.m. on Saturday.

Last time I checked “shortly” means in the matter of hours, certainly before the end of today.  So I called around 4:30 p.m. again to check the status.  An even more contemptuous, apathetic voice came through the phone, and sounded as if she had been picking her nose, plucking her eyebrows, or performing likewise engaging activity before answering my phone.

“urrr …. I called couple hours ago about a water pipe breakage, it’s getting serious, when are you guys coming over”

“let me check with the foreman”

couple minutes went by

“sir, the foreman said that address has been scheduled”

“what does it mean scheduled? does it mean he will be here by end of today, our house is drowning in a mini Katrina here”

“sir, it means they will come take a look on MONDAY!!”

“MONDAY!, you can’t be serious right, I thought this is an Emergency Response line?”

“sir my only job is to create a work order, it’s the foreman who decides when he comes.  My only worthless existence in life is to create some number and press enter on the computer, so that I may sit on my fat ass all day and take government pay”

As one can imagine, all I want to do at this point is to strap bunch of C4 onto myself and plow my car into the OUC facility.  I am sure my legacy will be honored by many East Orlando residents who are paying too much for their shitty service.

Monday comes, two county guys showed up, along with Home Owner Association and a landscaping guy, dug a big hole on my ground.   I wasn’t home at the time, Cindy told me that the county guys blamed the HOA and left.

Now I got a 2 feet by 2 feet hole on the ground with yellow tape around it.  bastards.

At least the river ain’t flowing no more, but what an amazing insight into how shitty our government service is.  Well, Orange County Utility, if you are reading this and if you are coming to get me tonight, I will be defending my door wielding my kitchen cleaver, come and get me you bastards.